---
title: "Centaur Dominates Food Delivery Apps, Claims 'No Bike Needed'"
description: "Half-horse courier averages 47 deliveries per hour, refuses to wear the branded backpack"
pubDate: 2026-03-05
author: "Gig Economy Gazette"
tags: ["humor", "work", "mythology"]
---

# Centaur Dominates Food Delivery Apps, Claims 'No Bike Needed'

A centaur named Cheiron has become the top-rated delivery driver across three major food delivery platforms, completing an unprecedented 47 deliveries per hour during peak lunch rush.

## The Numbers Don't Lie

While the average delivery driver completes 3-4 orders per hour, Cheiron's unique physiology gives him several advantages:

- Top speed of 43 mph (no traffic laws apply to pedestrians)
- Can carry 12 insulated bags simultaneously across his back
- Never needs to find parking
- GPS is unnecessary when you have "ancient wayfinding instincts"

## The App Companies Respond

DoorDash initially flagged Cheiron's account for "suspicious delivery speeds," assuming it was a bot. After a video call with support — during which Cheiron accidentally kicked the camera — the issue was resolved.

"We've updated our driver categories," a spokesperson confirmed. "There's now a dropdown option between 'bicycle' and 'car' that just says 'other (hooved).'"

## Customer Experiences

Most customers report positive experiences, though some were surprised:

"I ordered pad thai and heard what I thought was a horse outside. Opened the door and a shirtless guy with the lower body of a horse handed me my food and said 'may your meal bring you wisdom.' Five stars."

## The Tip Situation

Cheiron has strong opinions about tipping culture. "In ancient Greece, we exchanged knowledge and heroic deeds. Now I get $2 on a $45 order. Humanity has regressed."

He currently averages $3,200 per week and is saving for "a really nice stable with WiFi."
