---
title: "Dragon Receives 47 HOA Violations, Burns Down Mailbox in Response"
description: "Ancient beast discovers suburban living is more terrifying than knights ever were"
pubDate: 2026-02-14
author: "Suburban Dragons Weekly"
tags: ["humor", "housing", "mythology"]
---

# Dragon Receives 47 HOA Violations, Burns Down Mailbox in Response

*"I have fought armies. I have razed kingdoms. But nothing prepared me for Deborah and her fence height regulations."*

Smaug Jr. (age 847, first-time homebuyer) thought suburban living would be peaceful after centuries of cave dwelling. Three months into homeownership, he's learned that his Homeowners Association is scarier than any dragonslayer.

## The Dream of Homeownership

After 800+ years of living in a damp cave in the mountains, Smaug Jr. wanted something different.

"I saw the listing on Zillow," he explains, smoke drifting from his nostrils. "3 bed, 2 bath, HOA-managed community. I thought, 'How bad could an HOA be?' I WAS SO NAIVE."

### The Listing:
```
🏡 Beautiful 3BR Colonial in Whispering Pines
✨ Granite countertops
✨ Two-car garage (perfect for hoarding)
✨ Community pool (seasonal)
✨ HOA: $450/month (includes lawn care, snow removal, soul-crushing bureaucracy)
```

He paid cash. *Literally*. 847 years of hoarded gold, brought to closing in a dump truck.

The realtor asked if he wanted a home inspection. He replied, "I can smell structural damage from 3 miles away." She did not question this further.

## The Violations Begin

### Week 1: The Lawn Situation

**VIOLATION NOTICE #1:**
```
Dear Homeowner,

Your lawn exceeds the maximum allowed height of 3.5 inches.
Current height: 4.2 inches (UNACCEPTABLE)

Additionally, grass appears to be "singed" and "on fire."

Fines: $250
Please rectify immediately.

—Whispering Pines HOA Board
```

"I breathed on it ONCE," Smaug protests. "ONE TIME. Now the whole lawn is ash and they're demanding I re-sod by Friday."

### Week 2: The Treasure Horde Issue

**VIOLATION NOTICE #7:**
```
Dear Homeowner,

Neighbors report seeing "mountains of gold" through
your living room window.

This violates Section 12.3: Excessive Displays of Wealth

Your home's curb appeal must remain "humble" and
"not making everyone else feel inadequate."

Please install curtains.

Fines: $500
```

> "I've been hoarding treasure since before their great-great-grandparents were born. NOW it's a problem?"
>
> <small>— Smaug Jr., increasingly agitated</small>

### Week 3: The Garage Dragon Incident

The HOA specifically prohibits "non-standard vehicles in driveways."

Smaug's defense: "I AM the vehicle."

The HOA disagreed. Sleeping in the driveway during the day violated *three* separate regulations:
1. No vehicles on blocks (his wings were up)
2. No large recreational vehicles (he's 47 feet long)
3. No "excessive smoke production" (he snores steam)

**Fine: $1,200**

## The HOA Board Meeting

Desperate to resolve the violations, Smaug attended the monthly HOA meeting.

### Meeting Minutes (Excerpt):

**7:03 PM** - Dragon enters community center
**7:04 PM** - Dragon realizes door is too small, gets stuck
**7:12 PM** - Deborah (HOA President) refuses to move meeting outside
**7:15 PM** - Dragon speaks through window, accidentally melts glass
**7:16 PM** - Emergency vote to fine dragon for property damage
**7:17 PM** - Dragon argues that community center is "technically" shared property
**7:18 PM** - Deborah presents 67-page rulebook
**7:19 PM** - Dragon considers just eating Deborah
**7:20 PM** - Dragon remembers eating HOA board members is "definitely against the bylaws"

## The Complete Violation List

Over 3 months, Smaug received 47 violations:

### Top 10 Most Absurd:

1. **Fire pit too large** (it's literally him)
2. **Improper mailbox design** (he melted it by accident)
3. **Non-approved roof color** (golden scales are "too flashy")
4. **Excessive noise after 10 PM** (roaring at the moon)
5. **Unapproved pets** (his hoard includes 3 sentient swords)
6. **Garden gnome violations** (they're not gnomes, they're petrified thieves)
7. **Improper fence height** (wanted to install 40-foot walls, approved max: 6 feet)
8. **Pool use outside designated hours** (he fills it with gold, not water)
9. **Halloween decorations still up** (they're actual skulls and he forgot)
10. **Disturbing the peace** (flying overhead constitutes "low-flying aircraft violation")

## The Neighbors Weigh In

### Community Forum Posts:

**DeborahHOA_President:**
*"The new resident clearly has no respect for community standards. Yesterday he flew over my pool and the wing turbulence knocked over my rosebushes. UNACCEPTABLE."*

**BobNextDoor:**
*"Actually, Smaug is pretty chill? He helped me move furniture last week. Carried my couch with one claw. 10/10 neighbor. The fire thing is admittedly concerning."*

**KarenFromNumber42:**
*"I filed a noise complaint because he BREATHES TOO LOUD. The HOA said that's 'not a valid complaint.' I'M CALLING A LAWYER."*

**Smaug_47:**
*"I have hoarded kingdoms. I have slept on mountains of treasure. I have lived for centuries. Yet somehow, I cannot put up a basketball hoop without a 6-week approval process? Explain."*

## The Mailbox Incident

The final straw came when Smaug received his 47th violation—for an "unauthorized garden statue."

The statue was a 12-foot bronze dragon.

"IT'S MY COUSIN GERALD," Smaug roared. "HE'S VISITING."

The HOA demanded its removal within 48 hours.

Smaug's response: *incinerated the entire mailbox station.*

### The Aftermath:

**News Report:**
"Local mailboxes destroyed in what witnesses describe as 'a column of dragon fire approximately 30 feet high.' HOA President Deborah refuses to comment but was seen updating the fine schedule."

**New Violation Notice:**
```
VIOLATION #48: Destruction of Community Property

Fine: $10,000
Hearing scheduled: Next Tuesday
Bring: Checkbook, Fire Extinguisher, Attitude Adjustment
```

## The Fine Total

After 3 months:
- **Total violations:** 48
- **Total fines:** $47,350
- **Fines actually paid:** $0
- **HOA's ability to collect from dragon:** "Unclear, we're scared"

### Payment Dispute:

**HOA:** "You owe us $47,000."

**Smaug:** "I could pay you in gold coins from the 12th century?"

**HOA:** "We need cashier's check."

**Smaug:** "I could pay you in NOT BURNING YOUR HOUSES."

**HOA:** "Is that a threat?"

**Smaug:** "It's a negotiation."

## The Settlement

After tense mediation (conducted via Zoom, as Smaug no longer fits in the community center), both parties reached an agreement:

### Terms:

1. **Smaug will:**
   - Keep wings folded in residential areas
   - Limit roaring to before 9 PM
   - Pay for new mailboxes (in modern currency)
   - Attend anger management (specializing in HOA-related rage)

2. **HOA will:**
   - Acknowledge that "being a dragon" is not, itself, a violation
   - Allow reasonable treasure hoarding (with curtains)
   - Permit one outdoor fire pit (it's him)
   - Stop using the phrase "That's not how we do things here"

3. **Both parties agree:**
   - No eating board members (Smaug)
   - No more "surprise inspections" at 6 AM (HOA)
   - Gerald can visit but must be "kept in back yard"
   - Future disputes will be handled via certified mail, not aerial fire displays

## Lessons Learned

When asked what he'd do differently, Smaug becomes contemplative:

"I should have bought in a neighborhood without an HOA. Or simply purchased the entire neighborhood and banned homeowners associations. That's my next move, actually."

He's currently looking at properties in **"Mythical Creatures Only"** developments, where HOA rules include:
- Reasonable roaring hours
- Hoard-friendly floor plans
- Fire insurance is included (they know what they're dealing with)
- HOA board includes at least one dragon

## Update: The Plot Twist

**Breaking News:** Smaug Jr. has been elected to the HOA board by a landslide.

His campaign promise: *"Vote for me and I'll burn the rulebook. Literally."*

Deborah has resigned.

The neighborhood has never been quieter.

Or warmer.

---

**Smaug's First Act as Board Member:**
```
NEW RULE: Maximum lawn height increased to 6 inches
NEW RULE: Treasure hoarding is permitted and encouraged
NEW RULE: Monthly meetings will be OUTSIDE
NEW RULE: No Deborahs
```

<small>*This reporter conducted the interview from a safe distance, using a telephoto lens. The homeowner's insurance in this neighborhood is astronomically high. Four stars for surviving the assignment.*</small>
