---
title: "Predator & Alien Open Galaxy's First Intergalactic Grocery Store"
description: "Two unlikely business partners bring fresh produce and existential dread to your neighborhood shopping experience"
pubDate: 2026-02-03
author: "Cosmic Commerce Reporter"
tags: ["humor", "business", "sci-fi"]
---

# Breaking News: Predator & Alien Open Galaxy's First Intergalactic Grocery Store

In what can only be described as the most terrifying business partnership since sharks and tornadoes, a Predator and a Xenomorph have announced the grand opening of **"Hunt & Gather Groceries"** - your one-stop shop for all things organic, locally sourced, and absolutely horrifying.

## The Origin Story

The partnership began when both creatures independently applied for the same small business loan. After a brief altercation in the bank's parking lot (which resulted in 3 demolished cars and 1 very confused loan officer), they decided collaboration made more financial sense than competition.

"*Click click growl hiss*," explained the Xenomorph partner, whose nametag reads "Steve."

The Predator, going by "Chad" for business purposes, added several intimidating clicking sounds which their translator interpreted as: "We saw a gap in the market for terror-free grocery shopping with mandatory thermal scanning at checkout."

## Store Features

### Produce Section
- All vegetables are "hunted" at peak freshness
- Xenomorph acid blood used for all-natural pest control
- Thermal vision ensures no rotten produce escapes detection
- The lettuce section has actual camouflage netting (Chad insisted)

### Meat Department
The less said about this, the better. Let's just say they take "fresh cut" very literally.

### Checkout Experience
- Self-checkout monitored by shoulder-mounted plasma cannons
- Bag your own groceries (mandatory - they're watching)
- Loyalty program: Survive 10 shopping trips, get a free tote bag
- Express lane for 15 items or fewer (enforced by fear)

## Customer Reviews

**Martha K.** ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
*"I've never felt more motivated to use my reusable bags. The plasma cannon really drives home the environmental message."*

**Bob T.** ⭐⭐⭐⭐
*"Great prices! Only lost one star because Steve keeps nesting in the ceiling tiles above aisle 7. Makes shopping for cereal a bit stressful."*

**Karen M.** ⭐⭐
*"Asked to speak to the manager. I am now listed as a trophy. Two stars because the organic kale selection is impressive."*

## Business Hours

Monday - Saturday: Dawn until Dusk (whenever Chad decides it's hunting time)
Sunday: Closed (Xenomorphs need their rest, and Chad has a rec league situation)

## Coming Soon

The duo announced plans to expand into:
- A deli counter (specializing in "exotic" meats)
- Sushi bar (Steve will be personally preparing each roll)
- In-store pharmacy (because apparently terror gives you heartburn)

## The Bottom Line

Is "Hunt & Gather Groceries" a revolutionary new shopping experience or humanity's most regrettable business venture? Yes.

Visit them at **1337 Survival Boulevard** - right between the closed police station and the abandoned military base. Free parking (those who don't park properly are never heard from again).

*Remember: Shop smart. Shop scared. Shop at Hunt & Gather.*

---

*This post is sponsored by absolutely no one. Everyone we approached for sponsorship fled the solar system.*
